The Group's Gone
- Ishaa Asim
- Oct 20
- 2 min read
The concept was reintroduced to me in my rewatch of Pretty Little Liars. (No spoilers ahead) In Season 3, Hanna is confronted with the concept of an 'ambiguous loss'. It is when someone is there but not really there, as in they may have dementia or mental health issues, something that prevents them from being present in the lives of others. It reminded me of how this could be applied to other areas of our lives, like our inner circles disappearing.
Friendship is very interesting because humans choose to initiate contact without the expectation of money or familial love. And so when you have an established group, it feels special, safe. This is more so with groups formed during traumatic events, where the friendship can save the mind from succumbing to external pressures. You become complacent, used to your friends and their humour, routines. It's only when the group starts to fade that you note what it was worth in the first place.
The group's gone. And not everyone will care to the same extent. It isn't always intentional, with people moving away, getting a new job, struggling with a uni course, or stuck in rejection cycles. Some groups last decades, with members moving, getting married, and still having that connection with one another. Other groups fizzle out; perhaps what formed them was not enough to be consistent. It is easy to maintain a connection when factors are in your favour: proximity, interest, shared troubles, to name a few.
The ambiguous loss reminds me that there is another phase. Not every friendship will last the seasons. I think this kind of loss is subtle in how it creeps up on you. It is not characterised by a singular event but rather a series of tiny actions that led to the current state of the relationship.
My frustration lies in the salvation of said relationship. I have identified this situation; why not propose solutions and get to the bottom of the situation by seeking clarity? The issue here is, not everything CAN be saved. And not everything SHOULD be saved. You can't be expected to solve everything to have an answer, and in relationships, it shouldn't be one-sided. Salvation has to be a consistent effort from both or all parties.
In applying this concept to my life, it reminds me of the importance of two things. Firstly, closure. I think a fundamental part of the human experience is to question, and this applies here to relationships and what could have happened. And secondly, acceptance. Admittedly, this has been much harder. By nature, I want to find answers and use them. But relationships are not linear, and I have had to come to terms with how short-lived they can be, no matter how much effort I put in.
Instead, I appreciate what I can gain from relationships and how they can serve a purpose in the stressful moments of life. I treasure these memories, even if they aren't meant to last forever.
*Image is owned by the author, all rights reserved 
This was relatable especially when I relate this to my experience of friendships. Often feeling like could I have done something different to sustain that friendship regardless of how far we are from each other or how complicated life becomes. It's difficult to keep that group together when it's a constant cycle of drifting friendships, it's present just not the same anymore and it's uncomfortable to reach out because it feels as though I am intruding. Friendships a beautiful relationship yet complex perhaps to me.
Honestly so relatable on so many levels. I often find myslef pondering about past friendship thinking about what could've been done to save us and a dull ache of the loss from it all. Eventually everything moves on and better people come along ones that I can only hope I'll be with for a long time